The fall semester came around, and I was so nervous. I was one retake class away from being able to take the nursing exam. One retake exam to fix my error. That was a lot of pressure I was putting on myself. My schedule that semester was a lot. I had an 8 AM lab, and my lecture was from 6:30 PM to 9 PM. Same professor, just at a different pace and with different expectations. Yet it felt heavier than my other semesters. I’ve never retaken a class, and I’ve never felt so down. I’ve never felt this bad. 

On my first day of lab, I woke up extra early, put on my best outfit, and had my supplies all ready. There I was. Scared. Yes, I had taken this class before, but not the lab portion. It felt unfamiliar: the equipment, the setup, and the way the room looked. It seemed like a dungeon. No luck. By the time the professor came by, he asked us to line up. Once we lined up, he said we would be working in groups. GROUPS! ME! Oh, my stomach dropped to the floor. I wasn’t very good at making friends, forming partnerships, or talking to new people. I started scanning behind me and in front of me, trying to guess who was nice. But no luck. Just like that, my professor divided us into groups of four as we entered, ordering the first four to go there. These go there, then me. We were near the end. 

I ended up with three people. Lucky. Someone got 2, and the latecomers got 1. At first, everything was awkward. Quick introductions. Everyone was a little unsure. Over time, the group became something I didn’t expect. 

Three girls. One boy. Josie, Sarah, and Brent. Josie had already graduated and came back to study nursing. She always took the lead, was confident, and understood almost everything instantly. Sarah brought so much energy, always curious and making things lighter. Brent was much quieter but sharp, the type of person who just got things without needing much information. Then me. But you know me, haha. 

We started getting through the labs faster. Laughing more. Feeling less like strangers and more like friends. For once, I didn’t feel out of place. 

Around the same time, I started talking to someone I recognized from a previous class. I thought I was going crazy when I saw them across from me in the lab, but it was her. Hailey. She and I never talked much, but we knew of one another. At first, our conversations were small after the lab. We barely talked, and it was fine. But we would eventually come back to campus together and talk more. She was really nice, and it felt good not to be alone as we went back to class. 

But I learned from her that she had to stay on campus all day because she lived so far away. On the other hand, I was gone after my second class, went home, and came back for the lecture. However, one day I decided to stay on campus with her. What’s the harm? Hailey insisted I go home, but I was like, no way! We can study and hang out a little. It must suck being at school alone; might as well hang. Once we found a place to sit, we started studying and talking, and just like that, something clicked. We laughed so much. It felt so nice. 

We started to do this every Thursday. Staying on campus all day, studying, but also not really, ordering food, and talking about everything. At one point, we started ditching the lecture just to go somewhere quiet. We would go to the top floor of the campus building, look out the window, and finish our work. Those memories I have feel calm. I can breathe. For the first time, I wasn’t lonely, and I felt so happy. I felt happy being at school. Just happy. Want to know something as well. Her and my birthdays were exactly one year, one day apart. She truly became someone I treasure to this day. 

My classes felt different. I was struggling and not at my best, but it was so much better than the summer. I understood more; I was better on the assignment. I thought maybe, just maybe, I wasn’t fully failing. That semester became something I would hold onto to this day. My amazing lab partner, the long campus day with my friend. It was feeling like the college experience I thought I would have from the beginning. 

I went through the semester with some ups and some downs. But finally, finals came. And all the calm I had disappeared so fast. 300 students. One auditorium, OH, I WAS PANICKING. I had studied so much, prepared every evening I could. But that moment was now in front of me, and my mind went blank. My chest was pounding, and I felt sick as if I couldn’t breathe. I flipped through all the pages, and I just felt like this was the end. All the questions look like hieroglyphics. I just wanted it to end. Someone pull the alarm. Someone faint. Someone do something. 

I rushed through it. Didn’t even double-check my answer. I needed to get out. The longer I stayed, the more I was going to break. My pencil was shaking. I was shaking. My body was shaking. I handed my test in and grabbed all my things. I was shaking. I was right back to where I started. As I walked out of that auditorium as fast as I could, my professor unexpectedly stopped me before I reached the door.  

She spoke to me. She spoke to me as she knew me. And to this day, I will always remember this conversation. This interaction. I hold it dear. My professor had come to me to see how I have been since we last saw one another. How have I been since the summer? I expressed hope that I would receive a much better grade this time around. Even in this final, I was shaking. I remember holding my hands out, and they were shaking. She looked at me and told me she’s been watching my progress. That I have indeed improved. That I had done much better than I had thought. I felt like I was on cloud nine. My professor herself was telling me I improved. Still, I walked out of the building in disbelief. 

After that, all I could do was wait.

4 days passed.

One week passed. 

Two weeks. 

And then-

I saw it. I had passed. BOTH MY LECTURE AND LAB I PASSED. I don’t think I’ve ever been more relieved than that. After all that, the failure, the doubt, retaking a class, the fear. I did it. 

At that moment, nothing else mattered.