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While I was finishing up my fall semester, I was also studying for my nursing entrance exam. Everything to this point was leading up to this. I was given this huge book that had different sections. Math, English, comprehension, and science. All of it. I was given this book by one of the TAs from summer classes, who used it to get into the nursing program. I recall opening it and thinking, “Wow, this is a lot.“ 

Math surprised me a lot. I thought it would be the hardest part, especially because I do fall kind of short in math. But it wasn’t. It was simple and straightforward. Questions I could actually do. For the first time, I felt maybe things would be okay. Maybe this was out of order. 

English too. Reading the passages, the answers were kind of right there. I’VE GOT THIS. 

Then came the comprehension part. And suddenly I wasn’t the big guy talk I was doing earlier. 

What the heck was this!

Where do commas go?

Why does this sentence look wrong? 

Why is this question written like that?

I haven’t touched this material since, like, first grade. I took my time and wrote stuff on notecards. What does this mean? Or examples of what that means. I force myself to relearn things I didn’t think about since I was like 9. Over time, the material began to click. 

Finally, the final boss. Science. Wow. 

Then science.

And everything fell apart again. I could flip those chapters over and over, maybe a thousand times, and it still wouldn’t make sense. It didn’t matter how long I stared at it or how much I memorized it. It was getting so frustrating that I just cried myself to sleep. C’mon, Caitlin, you can memorize this. My chest would tighten, my thoughts spiraling. You can do this. You can. You have too. 

The worst part about all this was that people believed in me. My family, my friends. They would text me telling me how proud they were of me. How was I going to do amazing? And I wanted to believe each and every one of them. 

Writing down each and every doubt. Every fear in my journal. Pages and pages, because how else could I let these emotions out?

Feb 2023. 

Day of nursing entrance exam.  

That morning, my mom made me a sandwich so I could have enough energy. She kissed me on the cheek and hugged me so tight. Told me good luck. She hugged me so tightly. 

My phone is full of messages. 

YOU GOT THIS! 

YOU ARE GOING TO DO GREAT

LOTS OF LUCK! 

I got myself ready. Showered, brushed my hair, and picked comfortable clothes. Set my ID, pencil. And sat myself in front of my laptop. 

Staring at it felt empty. 

12 PM struck. The proctor appeared on my screen. Suddenly, it was real. GO TIME. 

“You cannot get up,” ok. “You cannot open tabs.” ok. “You must be alone,” ok. 

My heart was racing. I wasn’t ready. Omg, please, a glitch happened. Take me back two months ago. Take me back. 

“Yes,” I answered. 

The exam began. 

Math was first. I moved through it quickly. Okay, not so bad, it’s a similar format to the practice book. I’m pretty good. 

English. Same thing, taking my time, not rushing, reading carefully. I got this. You know this, Caitlin. 

Then comprehension. Okay, don’t panic. Don’t second-guess. This doesn’t look right. This wasn’t in my book. It’s starting to feel wrong. 

Ok ok. Science. 

Blank. Think omg. Blank. THINK. Blank. I don’t know. I don’t understand anything. Words I don’t recognize. Things i havent hear off. Concepts I didn’t know. OMG OMG OMG OMG. 

I don’t know. 

I don’t know 

I don’t know 

I don’t know.

Pinch. SNAP OUT OF IT. FOCUS. DON’T BREAK NOW. 

Then it was over. Closed my laptop and lay on my bed. Just stared up. I’m not even religious, but I prayed. I prayed so hard. Please. I just want to make everyone proud. That’s all I ask for. 

Stayed in my room all day. Didn’t want to move. Didn’t want to think. 

That same day, people asked how it went. All I could say was “I hope I pass” and smile. That was it. 

Then the waiting came. 

March. Nothing

April. Silence 

May. Still nothing 

My semester had ended, but I hadn’t heard back. Everything was moving on. Waiting. Checking. Even went to Google to ask questions. 

Computer. When do they release results? 

Computer. Where do they post them? 

Computer. How will I know? 

May ended. Nothing. 

June started. And I thought the “no reply” meant “no”. 

Then- 

DING. 

I was awake when I heard my phone buzz. It was an email from my school. My heart was racing. I could practically feel it out of my chest. I opened it so fast. 

I didn’t even think. Didn’t even breathe. Yet finally it was in front of me. 

And for that second. I just stared at it.