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I didn’t get in. That was it. My life is over. All for what? Nothing. I just lay in bed thinking, what the hell. I couldn’t breathe, I just felt heaviness in my chest. So heavy, my throat got tighter. Crap. 

How could I do this?

Next thing I know, I hear the door unlocking. It’s my mom. My heart dropped. I jump out of bed. I ran to the door and just looked at my mom. Maybe it’s a mom intuition, but she said You didn’t get in, did you’. What followed was “Well, I knew you weren’t going to get in. It’s a competitive school. I told you,” And just like that, it became worse. No, it felt like hell. Like, I didn’t just fail, I straight-up proved everyone right. That message spread through my family, and it was repeated over and over. 

“We all knew you couldn’t make it.”

“That school was too advanced.” 

“You were never going to get in.”  

I just got shot twice, omg. 

All my life, I thought I was a disappointment, and right now, this moment, it’s all confirmed it. 

And within that, a decision was made for me. I was switching schools. No, hey, what do you think? No discussion, just this is what is happening. To a school my sibling had already gone to. A school that was supposedly “more my level.”

I hated it. I hated how they made it sound. More my level. Because I loved my school. I loved being in the city. I loved being in that environment. The fairs, the activities, the school. Yeah, I complained, but that was because I was in STEM. Other than that, I was amazing and felt that school was for me. Even when I struggled, I still loved that college down. I finally made a friend, even if it was just that one; it was special for me. And now I had to leave. 

You might be thinking, Caitlin, you’re an adult, stand up for yourself. Why don’t you say something? You’re old enough for someone not to make these decisions for you. Make my own decision? You want some honesty. A real honesty is that picking my college was the only decision I made in my college career. But even though I was talked out of choosing it because they visited it twenty years ago and hated it. Well, I didn’t listen because I had visited the college before, and it made me proud. Everyone was against it, but I chose her. I loved her. 

Before everything was finalized, I decided I needed to talk to my counselor. Over the two years I went, I never met them. They kept emailing me, but I never responded.

Maybe, just maybe, someone would tell me to stay. That this wasn’t completely a sealed deal. 

I booked that appointment. 

I went back to my school. Waited at the office. Walking to his office. It was a small room with large windows, and I could see the other side of the building. Book stacked everywhere. A strong smell of cigarettes I couldn’t ignore. He said what’s up. I let him know my major or what I wish to pursue, and some yk help. 

He then pulls up my records. Looked at my grades and looked back at me. And as god as my witness, he can kill me today if I’m lying, but my counselor Alex, I still remember his name, looked at me and said 

“I don’t know why you applied.”  “You were never going to get in”. 

Oh ok. Oh ok. 

Just like that. 

Yeah, I know you shouldn’t sugarcoat it, but at least have some respect for me. I wanted to yell. I wanted to say something back, anything. You’re this, you’re that, you do this and everything, but I didn’t. No matter how much I wanted to, I couldn’t. I sat there like a fool and took it. 

He kept talking. Listening to other schools, but what’s the point? Like you already failed here, what’s the point of trying over at the other schools? 

I felt ridiculous. Embarrassed for even letting him talk to me like that. 

When I left his office, I just stood at the elevators and breathed so fast, trying not to lose my cool right then and there. Scream. Hit something. But what’s the point? 

I went home and vented it all out. I told my mom how rude he was, and hoping maybe she would be on my side. 

But all she said was. “It’s final, you’re transferring. This summer we are going to the school and starting the process.” 

That’s it. 

New School

Unfamiliarty

Same major 

Round two. 

And the truth was. I hated every second. I didn’t even feel like I had it in me anymore.