Grief is a funny thing. I’ve never really dealt with death before. I’ve never lost someone I personally knew. So when I found out one of my residents had passed away, I think I forgot to breathe. 

That day I was so excited. I had brought all my supplies and was thinking of food to buy for us to eat. I was practically skipping down the hallway to see them. 

That’s when I stopped. I saw their name was no longer on the wall. At first, I thought they had moved them. Residents got moved all the time, like this isn’t abnormal. I started searching for staff when I found someone. Who then directed me to talk to someone else. 

I finally asked. That’s when they told me. They had passed a month ago. I think my face dropped so fast. I don’t even know what emotions I felt. I thanked the staff member, and I walked to the elevators. On the brink of crying. This isn’t possible. It can’t be. This has to be some sort of joke, right? Right?

I felt sick. I felt my stomach drop. My heart is racing. And guilt came over me. So much guilt rushed to me. All I could think of was, 

Why didn’t I visit sooner? Why was I always too tired? Why did I keep saying I would go next week? Why? This is all my fault. 

I didn’t even know who to call. Because who was going to tell me it was okay? I just called my mom, but even then I felt myself choking up. But no matter the outcome, I knew my mom would say the same thing I was telling myself. 

I should have gone more. I should have tried harder and been there. For days I’ve had this sinking feeling in my chest. I feel numb and sick. 

But as I write this blog on how they died, I want to write about how they lived. 

When I first met them, they were never my resident. Every time i visited my assigned resident, they would be asleep in the neighboring bed. I tried my best to not disturb them. When one day they were awake. 

I said hello. Deep into my visit, they started yelling and calling out to talk to them. I felt horrible. I called my supervisor and asked if I could be assigned to visit them. To my surprise, I found out they had been on the visit list but got taken off. But as usual, my focus should be only on my resident. Did I listen to the rule? No. 

At first, I had no clue what to do with them. It was so awkward. I offered drawing, painting, anything. But nothing. They wanted to talk. We didn’t know one another. We were complete strangers. But over time, they became one of my favorite people in the entire building. Just don’t tell my other residents that, haha. 

I was required to wear a mask 24/7 when working with the residents. They hated it. They hated not seeing my face. Every time I saw them, they wanted me to take it off so they could see my face. I was always reluctant, but I told them only for a second. I would show them my face and smile really big. The first time I did it, the first thing they said was: “You’re so pretty.” I laughed and told them I only wore the mask so I wouldn’t get them sick. 

They never stopped complimenting me after that. I’m not writing this to brag; I’m writing this because I’ve never been complimented. I never once heard someone say something nice about me. So when they said my hair was nice, or when I wore my best outfits to show them, it made me feel like I was on cloud 9. Because the way she complimented me felt genuine and from a place of love. 

But they would also critique! Sometimes they didn’t like my outfit, but I was okay with it haha. They even told me once that if I lost a little weight, I would look even better. 

Of all the compliments, I remember one time they asked me if I had a boyfriend. I answered no. They were really shocked and thought I was lying. But I promised them I never would because i always try to put education before anything. You know what? They agreed, and I should continue my education and find myself a good man. 

They were so proud of me for being in school, being in college. Whenever I got a good grade, I’d show them. Whenever I passed an exam, I’d show them. Whenever something good happened, they celebrated with me. Over time, I began bringing things with me. I would bring coffee, soup, pasta, sandwiches, snacks, and anything the staff approved. 

Sometimes I was allowed to wheel them down to the lobby, and we would sit and look out the windows. I always wished I could take them beyond those four walls. Take them to see the birds, the sun, and the outside. I asked, but I was a CNA or any licensed professional at that. 

I still cherished those memories. One day, out of the blue, something I’ll never forget happened: they told me I was the daughter they never had. I smiled and just caressed their hand. I loved them so much. I feel my words can’t express them enough. 

We had our own goodbye routine. No matter where I was standing in the room, we’d blow kisses to one another. I would be going around the corner to leave, and I would throw her big kisses and yell I LOVE YOU! And they would do it back. Every single time without fail, this was our routine. I always ended it the same way. I would also tell them that when they wake up, I would always be by their side. And most of the time it was true. 

Life got in the way. My internship ended. School got busier; I thought I would get another internship, and I didn’t. I visited less often, and now I’m thinking about how stupid I was for letting it happen. But never once did I stop thinking of not just them but every single one of my patients. The last time I went, I thought they had forgotten about me. I walked into their room nervously. But they looked at me and said: “Hi sweetie.” And said, “I don’t remember ur name, but I remember those eyes.” 

I held back my tears because they remembered. They remembered our kisses, our conversations, but most importantly, me. 

On my last visit, I had told them I had finished school and was set to walk to the stage. They were so excited for me. They told me to let them know when it was so they could get better faster and come and see me. I told them I promised we could go clubbing, drink some wine, go to the fanciest restaurant in the city, and just have fun. They laughed and said, ” Yes, just wait until they get better. 

I’m writing this as a disclaimer; I’m not writing their medical issues. I understood they had health issues that prevented them from leaving the hospital. I’m not going to say that due to the fact that I don’t want their information to be on the internet, rather anonymously for their own protection. But I’m telling those things to them because I wanted them to know at that moment, so if they could somehow remember that I was going to show them I can walk the stage. I wanted them to be proud of me. The achievements I accomplished. 

A few months before they passed, I bought my cap and gown. I was so prepared and excited to wear it for them. Tell them I was graduating. Show them me walking the stage. I wish so badly that they had seen me. How much we could have celebrated afterward, even if it wasn’t at the fanciest restaurants. It was the thought of them and me doing it together. I wanted it to be celebrated by both of us. 

Now that graduation is around the corner and they are gone, I can’t even tell them I made it. I can’t keep that promise. It hurts me so much. I didn’t get to tell them I’m going back to school; I can’t tell them about my future. My dream. How everyone is going to be ok. How I won’t hear them cheer for me anymore. 

These thoughts I’ve had over the past few days, and maybe writing won’t fix anything, but it helps. It reminds me, though, that the chances I did have with them I never took for granted. I was lucky enough to know them, their stories, share coffee, and receive their kindness. 

And if there is an afterlife, I hope they know how much they meant to me. I hope they know part of the reason I researched nursing homes was because of them. Part of the reason I want to keep trying is for them. They saw me at the lowest and hardest part of my life. They saw the insecure version of me. The scared version and lost. I wish they could see the woman I’m becoming. I wish they could see me walk the stage. So today, I dedicate my graduation to them. Thank you so much for believing in me. Thank you for every compliment and conversation, every “laugh” and every “I love you” said. Thank you for caring about me so much. I carry your photo close to my heart. And I carry your memories even closer. I love you so much. And until we meet again. 

~xoxo Caitlin