Dear readers, now what has my life entailed since I finished school in the winter? My plans were straightforward in my mind. I was going to try nursing again and work through it with no classes to bother me, no homework, no exams. Just me, in a year, planning to study, grind, find some work and/or experience in my major, and try to work my way up. 

That Christmas, I asked my mom one thing and one thing only. Support my journey into nursing school. 

4 months in. I had been looking into CPR schools to get some certifications. 4 months in, I had already started to study. 4 months in, I was thinking of reapplying to my college to raise my GPA. Take any class to raise my GPA.  

Unfortunately, while I was in nursing school, I was told many things by those around me. 

Why don’t you do nursing school in another state? For some reason, I can’t say why I have to leave my state. Why don’t you do this and that? When the conversation finally diverted 100%

My older sibling, yes, the same one who told me to go into nursing, who also talked about their friend’s younger sister who was in nursing school at my college, spoke and said Why don’t you go into sonogram school like my friend said? ” 

Oh, I didn’t say it to their face, but I was boiling mad. Why. Why do you control so much of my life and its aspects? Why do you have to tell my mother what to tell me to do? 

Within that week, the way the house was flipped. My own mother told me to stop pursuing nursing, and I should instead go into nursing school as instructed by my older sibling. I was sick. I was sick to my stomach because I am not a free woman. I am just measly dolllwing orders. For once, can I make my own decisions? 

So for once I decided to fight back. And say no. Instead, I was met with anger. I understand my family wants the best for me, but they just started focusing on the fact that I failed and that I have no more chances. I’m wasting my youth, my years, and my major means nothing. I wasted my college years doing nothing. I wasted my college years on a worthless major. 

With that, I got so angry I just ran to my room and cried. I cried so hard into my bed I just couldn’t breathe. Every breath was hot, and I could feel the world spinning. I hated my vulnerability. I hated how easy it was to cry. But I was just so frustrated. I was so mad. I just couldn’t. Because no one believed in me, why should I even try to fight back? I just felt so stupid. I felt stupid for even trying to fight back. I feel I have no other words to explain except the fact that I was too angry and mad. 

After a long time, I finally came out and walked to my mom. I felt like crying again, but all I got was tough love. The same speech. What am I doing? What did I achieve? My failures. Every moment that I missed an opportunity. And at that moment, I didn’t even speak back or fight. I just calmly told her I would pursue sonography school. 

I felt so stupid after my outburst. I am a crybaby. I am known for being a crybaby. I am too vulnerable. My family knows to the point they tell me not to run away and start crying. But I just can’t help it. I’m not angry at them. Maybe I am. Idk. I just know I’m angry at myself. 

So I lay in bed again crying. I cried it all out until my face was so red and hot. It just wouldn’t stop coming. 

I then got the courage to text my friends to see if anyone would be down to come to Songram School with me. 

I got 3 yes. 

So for the next month, I will research schools in my state, tuition, requirements, and more. After looking at 6 different schools, the list was narrowed down to two. 

After careful inspection, I was finally able to pick one. I told my friends, and I then got 2 nos and one yes. The one, yes, I texted them the tuition and the requirements, and they told me they would talk to their family. 

I was so excited, maybe I was going to get a friend in school, and we could work together and work hard together. I can succeed with them. We can be an inseparable duo. 

Unfortunately, I got the message that they wouldn’t be doing it. So, within the same week, I finally decided on the school, and I was to begin sonography school. 

I think a piece of me died when I sat in the call. My class runs 3 days a week, Friday through Sunday, and every two weeks, I go in for in-person classes, but I stay mostly online. I mean, it sounds amazing, but being online isn’t my best way to learn. 

I am not three months into Songroam school. This program is roughly 18-24 months, depending on how quickly you go. And I am just so lost. I put on a smile and tell my parents how great I feel at this pace and how well I’m doing, and I can see a future where I’m happy. But if I’m being honest. I am dying. I am suffocating. I hate it. 

You all might be tired of me saying it. But I just feel like when you are told to do something, it just feels in you. U just find it hard to be passionate when all you do is hate it. 

I think the beginning of something bad happening was last month. As usual, I was listening to my class, and I just felt so confused and lost. I was just so tired of hearing what I was hearing. I felt so lost. I just got so mad, and I huffed and puffed to my other sibling, who knows my struggle in sonogram school. The only person in my family who knows. Yes, the same one who knows about my real GPA story. I just, frustrated, told her that I am so over Songram schools and I just hate it so much. 

The second time was last week. I was just sitting in class when I got hit with I hate this. Not in the rebellious, “I hate my life” kind of way, but I felt so exhausted that I just never made anything of myself. 

I was so upset that I had to write down my feelings. I felt so tired. I’ll repeat it 100 times, but I am. 

Class started when I couldn’t breathe; I felt like crying. I felt like every emotion was hitting me. I just felt so sick to my stomach. What was worse was that my professor was talking about manifestation and about not stressing so much. Not to think too much, because if we stress too much, it’s gonna be harder. When you stress too much, you create autoimmune issues. Funny. Cause I did. I was so stressed during my second-to-last semester about my grades that I gave myself eczema. It was so bad in London, it was bleeding and so itchy and flared and lasted the whole semester. 

When I went to the doctor, I found out it was most likely triggered by stress or allergy. But most likely, stress caused it to flare up so badly. But I digress. 

I sat in class. I felt like crying, and I started breathing really hard. I had to let it out, but I was too nervous to get up. I just kept looking around and thinking What the hell is happening. What am I doing? I’m wasting my time. Why didn’t I study something? Why did I transfer schools? Why did I even try for nursing? Why didn’t I go for my dream? Like what the fuck. 

So I made a list. A list of what I can work towards, too, when I finish. And I hope that when I finish my program, I am able to succeed at every little thing on my list.