Letters to my loved ones explaining why I’m going to keep going and how I’m going to keep going because of them

To my mother, 

Mommy, although you will never see this letter, I want to say I will do my very best in Sonogram school. I will make sure that when I finish school, my first paycheck goes to you, and I will treat you to everything. I promise you that. All my hard work is thanks to you for never giving up on me. I will repay you 10-fold, and I hope you live long enough to see me succeed, all because of you. None of this would have happened without you. I know you and I aren’t ones to say I love you a lot to each other, but I truly love you. I will work super hard and help you retire so you will never have to work for anyone else, and you can be free to do what you want. I love you so much. 

To Joan (Not real name) 

When I first met you at my internship, while I was caring for your mother, you took me in as if we were family. During the months I worked there, you made sure I was fed and always gave me something, so I never gave up. You’ve invited me to your home and made me a part of your family, even though you didn’t need to. You’ve told me to call you grandma, and although I’ve been so busy with life, I make sure to call you and check that you’re okay. I’ve never told you the whole truth about my college years, but when I told you I was going to Songram School, you wished me well. You’ve told me that you wish to see me succeed and have given me your best wishes. I, too, hope that someday, when I finish school, I will treat you to something yummy for all you’ve given me, fed me, and repaid all the kindness you’ve shown me. 

To my first love, 

It’s been a couple of months since you passed. I miss you so much. I never imagined that, after starting work at the hospice, I would meet someone so incredible. Even when you were sick, you always remembered me. I’m so grateful for the moments I spent with you. I carry your photo with me to school and wherever I go because I love you so much. Although I never got to tell you about starting sonogram school, I know you would have been happy to see me in my uniform and would have told me I would do good things. I hope you are able to rest, too. Although I never got to give you the fancy date in the city, when I start working, I’ll go to the fanciest spot I can find, drink all their wine, eat all their pasta, and enjoy it for us. 

To my sibling, 

You have listened to me complain about going to school. You were the only person I trusted to tell about my GPA. You are my closest friend, and although we never say it to one another, I really do love you and all you do for me. You are always down to buy food and snacks and go on the shenanigans with me. It was such an honor that you chose me to travel the world with you, and you paid for me and everything I bought overseas. When I begin to work, I, too, shall treat you for all you have bought for me, from when I was a kid to now. I will repay you for all you’ve given me when you didn’t need to. And I’ve been telling you I would pay for your trips back to Korea and Japan with the fanciest seats and a month’s stay, all on me. I promise I will! I will work so hard, overtime I don’t care, because of you, I didn’t lose my mind! Trust we will go back, and I will pay for all you want as you did for me when I traveled with you! 

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It’s been three months since I started sonography school. I’m currently transitioning to a new professor, and if I’m being honest, I’m scared. I’m terrified. 

I can’t help but think I’m going to fail. I’m scared that somehow I’ll end up back where I started. Back at square one. With no future endeavors. Stuck at being a loser. Lately, my anxiety has gotten the better of me. 

I keep asking myself the same questions over and over. If I’m truly meant to be here. Did I make the right decision? Am I wasting time? What if I fail? 

Sometimes I get so deep in my head I can’t tell what is real and what is not. I’ve tried to stay positive and try to remind myself why I am here. I’ve pictured what life could look like after this. What my path is and if it makes sense. 

But I’m still scared. It’s hard to admit to my loved ones. But I am. Because at this point in my life, I can’t afford to lose and give them another reason to think I’m a failure. I can’t afford it. Not emotionally, mentally, or to myself. 

I want to prove to myself that life is going to be okay. That all those years of feeling lost will be nothing in a few years. That I will wake up someday knowing I am going straight. So instead of thinking about everything that could go wrong, I want to think about everything I can work towards. A reminder to myself. Not what I have to do, but what I hope awaits me on the other side. 

To my future self, 

I hope you made it. I hope all those times you doubted yourself were worth all of it. I hope you look back at this version of yourself and, instead of getting mad or disappointed, you know that she tried. I hope you were able to get the little Smart Car you’ve been in love with since you were a kid. I hope you decorated it like a ladybug or Barbie’s dream car. I hope you’re driving it with one of your closest friends and going places with a smile and beam you deserve. I hope you got your first job. I hope that you make lots of friends and good memories. But don’t forget to overwork yourself! I hope you get to do things after work and enjoy your youth! Instead of worrying about money issues, your pockets are full, and you are able to treat those you love well. I hope you are able to travel once more. Not just because you’re running from your life, but because you can return to a better version of you. That you smile in front of the camera and enjoy it to the max. I hope you smile a lot. I hope you’re healthier. I hope you’re doing your hobbies. I hope you make lots of friends and go on dates! I want you to be happy and laugh more. Cry and worry less. Sleep better. I hope you forgive yourself for everything you failed at. I want and hope you realize you were never behind. Although you took a different path and had to return to school, you are still here and successful. I hope you were able to retire, Mommy, and work for her. I hope you are well and that you never beat yourself up for anything. That’s all I ask of you and hope for. 

Until Next time. 

Love, Caitlin.