HELLO!

It has been nearly two months since I last typed on my computer and put my thoughts into it! 

I have been so busy with school, trying to keep up with exams, and learning new things I never thought I’d see. Somehow I’m currently trying to understand Physics! 

If anyone here knows physics, that would be amazing! I would be over the moon and forever indebted to you! 

I’ve wanted to focus more in class, and with that, I have tried to stay offline as much as I can. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking, processing, and trying to figure myself out. 

I’ve been struggling to get used to sonography school. I feel unsure, scared, and sometimes stuck. 

As of September, I’m two weeks away from being able to say I’ve completed 20.83% of my 24-month program. 

For sure sounds like progress to me! But sometimes I look at how much time I have left and think, oh god! I still have so much left. 

I’m just a nervous wreck for how difficult this is going to be when I get a job in this field. I feel like I’m going to make a ton of mistakes and idk lose my license, my job! Maybe I’m exaggerating, but I’m really not sure what is to come. 

I have so many emotions about the program. Some days I feel proud of myself for showing up. Other days I want to just quit. I feel behind and exhausted from listening. And sometimes catch myself wondering 

What if I finished college, got a job right after, and started life that way? How far would I have gone? Or would I be happier or regretful? Would I prove to my parents? Would I? 

I’ll never know. So I try a lot not to dwell on it. But that doesn’t mean I don’t think about it.

Physics! 

Oh, that word! Because what the actual hell! This was the first time in my life I’ve ever taken a physics class. I’m sitting in class hearing words like: 

Doppler, Comet Tail Artifact, Curvilinear, Snell’s Law, Axial Resolution, and more! 

What world am I living in?! 

I’m asking myself whether everyone else understands what is happening or is pretending to get it. 

My first week I had a chapter quiz. I studied and studied and even some more. I memorized the textbook, the definitions, made notes, and practiced the questions. 

I basically shoved physics down my throat for breakfast, lunch, and dinner and hoped to god something stuck. 

Quiz day came, and I was terrified. But by the grace of whoever, I passed! 

But that one pass made me wonder if I could feel confident doing it again. 

Two weeks later, I learned I had a midterm. Two chapters, two weeks of studying and grinding. Worth 30% of my grade. And I was freaking out. I did everything I could think of all over again. 

Memorizing, rereading, reviewing, tutorials all of it. I was ready. Or so I thought. I opened the exam, and 80% of what I studied didn’t even appear!? 

I wanted to cry and scream cause what! 

I felt like the world was closing in on me. I prepared so much, only to have it taken away. I submitted my exam with the hope that I passed, at least even just a point over. 

Normally we would get our grade back, but this time he said we would get the grade next week. 

Next week came and no grade. Another week and still no grade. I mean, I emailed him, but he didn’t reply. I hope he just didn’t grade it haha. 

But now that the final is coming up, I’m thinking about what my grade could be and how much I should study, because I need to have an idea of what I need to get to pass, at least with a B. 

Because studying my way didn’t seem to guarantee everything would show up on the exam. As I head into my second-to-last week of the course, with that exam slowly creeping in, I feel out of place. 

I ask myself, why do I even study? It’s just frustrating, you know. I just want all my hard work to pay off because I need to prove something to myself. Count for something, at least. 

And on top of that, I’m lonely. 

I think that might be the hardest part of being an introvert. I don’t really have anyone in the program to ask for help. When I first entered, I was placed with six other people. But very quickly I noticed something. Three of them were already friends and always did everything together. 

They had their own little group. Then another person joined them, and they also s happened to be the same ethnicity and had another connection. 

That left two other people, both of whom were the same background as me; however, they knew one another. 

So….it kind of felt odd to push myself. 

I can’t blame them; they have someone they know, and many of them have families, work in the same clinics, and have experience I still have yet to get. They all have that in common. But I don’t have much experience in the job market. 

And I’m sure the person who has charms and childish notebooks doesn’t help how they view me. 

Funny enough, something did happen! 

One of the girls I mentioned, who has the same background as me, had a friend who had a baby, so she was gone for the first half of the course. That meant she slowly started sitting next to me. For the first half, we didn’t talk much because we were still getting to know each other, but it was nice. 

I tried my best to be nice, build trust, and help her as much as I could. And I thought maybe I had someone to finally help. 

When her friend came back, I thought they would sit beside me, and I’m not sure if that’s selfish thinking, but unfortunately they sat on the other side of the class with one another. 

It’s alright; I mean, they have been friends for years, and I only just got to know one of them. 

So for the rest of the class, I sat alone and worked alone. I do try to talk to people, but again, a lot of my classmates talk about their families and work, and others speak in their native language and have established friendships from before. 

It’s alright. 

Sometimes I do wish I had convinced my friends to join the program with me and how much easier it could have been. Like studying together and complaining about it. Maybe feel a little less lost. However, I can’t force someone to take the same path as me, so if it’s meant to be, it’s meant to be. Even if it means doing it alone. 

On the bright side, being away from my phone has actually introduced me to watching a lot of things I would never have watched. 

I have started watching DC movies, and a little confession: I prefer DC more than Marvel. I binged the Justice League series, and it was so good! I’ve also watched a lot of DC films, and it has me thinking. Maybe I should do a little side thing besides my depressing life, like a list of shows I’ve watched and my opinions on them. You know, bring something new to my page!

Anyway, that’s my little life update. I’m sorry I’ve been gone for so long, but a lot has gone on in my life. Physics is so hard, and if anyone wants to help me, I would be so grateful!

I’m trying. I know that, and that’s what matters. I don’t know what the rest of the year will look like, but I hope it goes really well! Thank you to those who have stuck around and are reading these silly thoughts!

Love~

Caitlin