I wrote fanfics, and I am not ashamed.

In my opinion, many girls between their tween and teen years understand what happens when they discover fanfics and enter fandoms. We find ourselves in communities so loved and respected that people can express their creativity through writing, animation, art, music, and any way they can.

Well, that was me.

I had no idea what fanfic was, or what anything related to ships or couples meant, when I first heard about it. I mean, I had some idea because, around 11, I got my first iPad and unlimited internet access, unbeknownst to my parents. I went down multiple rabbit holes because of it.

Once I went down that rabbit hole, I fell into something I didn’t understand then. They were video edits similar to silent films: a clip would play, then the next clip would show text of what the characters were supposedly saying.

One of those first videos I saw was an Elsa and Jack Video. As in Elsa from Frozen and Jack from Rise of the Guardians.

And it was intriguing, I might say. It was pure love; it was fun to see how editors could take two completely different movies and somehow make them one. This was all pre-AI, too, which makes it even better.

So I sat there watching hours of Elsa and Jack videos. I mean, the match made sense to me. Elsa had ice powers, was misunderstood, and felt like she had to hide so much of herself. Meanwhile, Jack Frost was similar in that he was also alone in the world and had ice powers. I had never watched Rise of the Guardians, but I understood that their pain made sense for them to be a couple. And just like that I discovered Jesla. (Jack and Elsa).

This began on YouTube. As I continued falling down the Jelsa rabbit hole, I found myself watching movie clips from How to Train Your Dragon. I’d never seen the movie, but the recommended clips were of Hiccup and Astrid, the two main characters from the series, and their relationship.

Though I understood very little about love at the time, I admired their relationship. Hiccup was never rude to Astrid or constantly annoyed by her little antics. Instead, he embraced her and listened. I really loved that aspect of their relationship. They had mutual respect, but they also had so much love.

I loved watching their clips. Which brings me to my first awakening to the fandom.

In sixth grade, I overheard one of my friends talking about Wattpad.

For anyone who doesn’t know what Wattpad was at its peak, it was a free app and website where people could upload and post stories. Some were original fictional stories, while others were about different couples from shows or real life. I didn’t know about it until that day, and my friend said she loved Supernatural and its fanfics based on the two main guys. My other friends chimed in; they were on Wattpad too. She also loved reading One Direction fanfics.

I didn’t fully grasp the website, and I held onto it until later that day, when I opened my own account.

There it was.

My name, my account, and a search bar for endless possibilities. It awakened something in me.

I started googling Jelsa fanfics, How to Train Your Dragon fanfics, and stories from other fictional shows I enjoyed.

Many of the books I read were a lot of what-ifs. What if something had happened differently? What happened after the movie ended. What did their futures look like? What do they look like in modern times?

Hooked I was.

And because it was free, I would sometimes take my mom’s phone, Google Wattpad, and read it on the line, or while we were shopping. I was 100% immersed in these stories and especially fell into the How to Train Your Dragon fandom.

The How to Train Your Dragon fandom was the first fandom I ever joined where I put my whole spirit and enjoyment into it.

I loved reading material written by other people. I would often comment on their books, telling them how much I loved their stories and encouraging them to keep writing such amazing works of art. Maybe they weren’t good; maybe they were, but at 11, I thought this was Shakespearean.

I would go as far as DMing writers and sending thoughtful messages thanking them for writing such beautiful stories.

Although I am very awkward in real life, I would muster the courage to tell people how much I loved their work. Because of that, I made a lot of friends from different states and countries who were around my age and shared my interests.

I loved chatting with them and making connections that my real-life friends didn’t quite understand.

At the time, I didn’t have a phone or any social media. People would often ask for my social media, and I would tell them I didn’t have any. My parents had very little idea what social media was, but I still felt like I was doing something wrong if I even had it on my iPad.

So I resorted to the next best thing. Tumblr. To describe Tumblr, I would have so much to say about how amazing it was for me. I was on it so many times a day; I was obsessed.

I loved the fandom and how creative people were. It was amazing to see their personal artwork, stories, and fan edits they made for themselves and others.

I mean, I never knew I could do all those things too.

Specifically, one girl on Tumblr in the fandom who had so many followers and uploaded new How to Train Your Dragon fanfics almost every day. And they were so well written.

She really had a voice. When I read her work, I felt like I knew the characters personally. She fascinated me with how descriptive she was and how well she captured every feeling.

To this day, I think about those fanfics once in a while, and I hope she pursued writing or something similar because what she was able to do at that age was remarkable.

So many people loved her writing, and eventually, I gathered the courage to message her and tell her how much she inspires me and how much I love reading her work.

She wrote me a sweet message back. I wish I hadn’t deleted my old conversations, but sadly I no longer have the message. But I really appreciated the time she took to reply.

It’s really funny how something so small can stay with you for years.

Seeing so much creativity from other people made me want to try everything myself. I took it upon myself to learn how to make GIFs, video edits, audio edits, and drawings, and to experiment with anything I could get my hands on. I would say I learned 50% of it but was too scared to upload.

When I did have the courage to post my work, I felt so cool. I ran Tumblr like I was in the army. I worked so hard to gain a following, and I did. I grew my blog and build even more friendships some of which i still have to this day. I love those people so much, and seeing us grow into adulthood has been surreal.

I mean, think about it. We were just kids bonding over fictional characters, stories, and movies, and now adults thriving in our own respected spaces. It’s so crazy.

Because of the community, I wanted to learn how to write too. Say what you will, but I always felt like my writing was off. My family always told me that I didn’t know how to express my thoughts clearly when I wrote growing up.

Naturally, it’s also another insecurity that I have about conveying myself. I wanted to write something good, make a good impression with my first fanfics. But no matter how many times I wrote and rewrote my first draft, it never felt good enough.

Luckily, I became good friends with a girl whose books were always trending on Wattpad all the time. I had DMed her before, and we had exchanged a couple of conversations. Eventually, I asked if she wanted to collab on a fanfic.

And they agreed! And there it was. My first fanfic.

The hard part was figuring out what I wanted to write. I remember thinking about what kind of situation I could put Hiccup and Astrid in. Where would the gang go? What would they be doing? All of them. How would they grow into adulthood? What kind of relationship did they all have?

Because we were collaborating, she helped me get these ideas running through my head. But one thing was for sure.

I wanted a sweet story that showed people just how understanding Hiccup and Astrid’s relationship was.

My first fanfic collaboration was centered around a couple of years after what we imagined How to Train Your Dragon 3 might be like.

At the time, the third movie was still in development, so nobody knew what it would be about. People had so many theories, and I based our story around some of them. Maybe the third movie would be about their lives, their marriage, and all the fun adventures they have together.

So, what did my 12-year-old self come up with, my friend? A story about grief, loss, and motherhood.

The story began with Astrid sitting on her porch, watching the other women in the village tend to their babies. Looking up, she felt two things at once. She was happy for the mothers and their journeys into motherhood, but also grieving the motherhood she believed she would never experience because she had lost her baby.

Hiccup understood how much she was grieving and how upset she was with herself. To cheer her up, he took her on a midday flight with Toothless to the spot where they had shared their first kiss.

There, the two of them opened up to each other about their insecurities and fears after losing their baby, as well as they uncertainytly about trying again. They listened to each other; they understood each other’s feelings.

In the end, they concluded that, whether they had children or not, they would always have each other.

And that was all they needed. The end.

In summary, it sounds like the saddest, and probably the saddest, first story a twelve-year-old could write. But I thought it was beautifully written. I felt like I made it.

I published my first story, and I was so proud of myself. Although I had help, my friend encouraged me to work out on my own and grow from the experience. And I did.

I loved writing these little stories and deciding what I wanted the characters to do.

I grew a small fanbase, but slowly it died down because I eventually stopped writing. I mostly spent my time on my Tumblr blog instead.

To this day, I am so proud to say I had over 300 followers! It might seem small, but I was really happy people wanted to follow me and repost my blogs and stuff. I felt so cool.

Although I never told any of my real-life friends because I was embarrassed, I felt like I was on cloud 9.

This was my small little corner of the internet. People enjoyed what I made, and I made friends who shared the same interests.

I grew on Wattpad by writing my own stories, not just fanfics, but regular fiction. I gained so much experience from that that influenced me to do it now! My blog!

Being creative, wanting to write, and learning cool computer tricks others used to edit movies and books were some of the reasons I wanted to pursue something similar in college.

It gave me joy. It gave me a purpose to keep going. I loved creating things other people enjoyed.

And I think I’ll carry that with me as I get older.

To this day, I am grateful for the masterpieces that Cressida Cowell and Dean DeBlois created through the books and movies.

Through this fandom, I was able to explore other fandoms too. Although they were also a big part of my childhood, How to Train Your Dragon will always have my heart.

The soundtrack, the artwork, the relationships, the storytelling- I have so much respect for it all.

John Powell, specifically alongside Jonsi, created such an incredible soundtrack. For the past 5 years, John Powell has been my number one artist on Spotify. I think that says a lot. Although I’ve grown out of the fandom in some ways and interact less and less, I still hold it close to my heart.

I don’t think I’ll ever stop loving the music. And you wouldn’t believe how I reacted when I found out there was a show on Netflix. I was so excited that my friend gave me access to her aunt’s Netflix account so I could watch Dragons: Race to the Edge, which takes place between the first and second movies.

When the fourth season dropped, I was jaw-on-the-floor and didn’t sleep. I woke up at 6 in the morning and watched the entire season in one sitting. Then I rewatched it, went straight to my blog, and reposted all the stuff people posted.

I loved that season most because it explored so much of the characters’ relationships while also diving deeper into the story, the different villains, Dragon, and the gang’s adventures.

I could write so much about how it means to me, but it would be too long. I was immersed. I watched every piece of media related to the fandom. I miss how eager I was for the fandom.

That feeling of waking up and having something to look forward to.

That feeling of being so invested in something that you could spend hours talking about it and never get tired.

It was one of the happiest memories of my middle school years.

Sometimes I think about how much the series shaped me not just as a fan but as a person. It gave me something to look forward to during some of my loneliest times in middle school. It gave me community, friends, and a reason to be creative when I didn’t always feel confident.

It showed me what it felt like to be part of something with people who shared the same excitement and love. It showed me what it was like to be a part of something.

If I ever got the chance to meet Dean DeBlois, Cressida Cowell, or John Powell, I think I would genuinely cry and shake out of excitement. Like one of those chihuahuas.

I’d thank them from the deepest part of my heart and soul and tell them how much this series shaped my adulthood, tweenhood, and who I became.

I hold these movies so dearly to my heart. Yes! I was also sat when i watched the live action movie. I couldn’t wait to see it.

I also want to finish sonography school as quickly as I can so I can go to Epic Universe, visit berk and ride the rides I’ve been seeing online that look super fun. Mostly for 11-12 year old self.

Little me, who spent hours watching edits, reading fanfics, and talking to people online about fictional characters, is finally getting to experience something like that in real life. Maybe that’s why it means too much to me. Because even though I’m older now, I still have that spirit in me that gets giddy about it all over again.

I still have the part of me who wants to be creative all over again. I can go on forever about how beautiful the movies are. I just carry those insecurities to this day. I’ve shown glimpses to my friends but never revealed who the characters are because I feel like no one will truly get it.

I wonder if people would think I’m too dramatic for caring so much about a franchise. However, it was never just a movie series to me. It was the memories I made. The art I created, and the people who encouraged me. The music I still enjoy to this day. The joy I had once. Memories of a kid full of happiness.

I mourn that version of me. The girl who spent hours immersed and was never tired of it. The girl who wasn’t afraid to get excited. I don’t know if I’ll ever feel that exact same kind of excitement again. But i hope i do find it again.

Because growing up is a strange phenomenon. You get older, your priorities change, and the things you once spent hours on slowly become distant memories. Every now and then something brings you back. You’ll feel like a kid again. Honestly, thinking now? That part will be my favorite.

I wrote fanfics, and I am not ashamed. I was a kid who put their pride into it. And i think i thats a pretty beautiful thing.